I’m in a space where I focus on what I don’t have; lack mindedness.
…Because I’ve out grown the fancy high paying job.
I’m dreading “Next?”
How did I get here…I don’t belong here….I just want to be left alone in misery.
My hearty giggle had been replaced by a wince.
Every night laying on my pillow, I runaway and hide.
Hoping that God would just save me.
I’m juggling parenting, work, nursing my sick dad and feeling sorry for myself.
I AM scared.
I AM lonely.
I AM anxious.
Frequently, I arrive to work 1 to 2 hours early, to sit in my car, read verses and pray.
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7
Putting my makeup on with the vanity mirror.
I looked into her eyes. My eyes.
She is not happy…her eyes are full of terror!
Those days of nursing my dad’s bedsores, tube feedings and offering him a drink by sponge. The cycle of high blood pressure, shallow breathing, then low pressure.
They were anxious, lonely days.
Sending my daughters on errands just so that they can experience a vacay from my darkness.
Day after day of minimal social interactions, and the feeling of anxiety in uncertainty.
I‘d gotten numb to the routine.
But not this morning. It was different. I’d had enough. I was tired of feeling this way.
I felt an inner discipline this time... to the eyes in the mirror staring at me.
I deeply reflected, “God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”
I GOT IT!
I wanted to cry, but the inner discipline intercepted, “STOP IT. JUST MOVE ON.”
My eyes locked. And it was in that moment that I decided to try something; “I trust you God.”
“I remember how unforgettable I AM…How many battles I’ve won...Because of you’re Almighty power, I’m unstoppable!”
I smiled. I thought about all the victories I've had.
I thought about everything I had already been through.
I began to laugh, then speak outloud.
"I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you."
over and over again...
Every time, I felt layers of loneliness, woes, anxiety, depression, anger, lack, defeat peel away.
Then one day, I quit. I’d forsaken a lack mindset in search of an abundance mindset on a more spiritual plane.
I did it! I’ve finally come back home. Back to LOVE. I felt committed, determined and anchored in my heart.
I didn’t have all the details... but I wasn’t afraid of uncertainty anymore.
My strength had returned to me... I repeated the confession...
"God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you."
This time I said it with more confidence.
I said it with gumption.
I said it with power.
I felt ignited and ready to take on whatever challenge the day brought.